Tank is the older sister I never had. Given Johnny's predicament she's very much the woman who filled the void. Troubled by her own woes of missing family members or oppressive cultural expectations, she's clawed her way through life with utmost charm and compassion. She's recently reached a bit of a crossroads in her life. Perhaps a little overwhelmed with the universal plight of discovering meaning and purpose, she's come upon some interesting time in her life recently. I always get excited when people around me reach these crossroads because their significance is undeniable, and because I absolutely love Tank, I'm even more enthused.
In all my time with Gina, I've learned and continue to learn a lot. One of the most recent and worthwhile things I learned from her relates to why people change.
She told me, " People change for two reasons: inspiration or desperation."
When I wrote this letter in March, I was feeling a little desperate and Tank was feeling rather inspired. We've both made some hefty changes that go beyond this letter but when I wrote this, we both needed a little nudge. A slight push to know we were doing alright. Tank, (hopefully encouraged by the time I put into writing her letter) found the motivation she needed to persevere and of course, writing this provided me with the necessary cathartic feelings to change my disposition.
After all, it is perhaps the singe item, [our disposition] that cannot be taken from us.
I wanted to drop you a few lines offering words of encouragement. We’ve come across some interesting times in our lives haven’t we? Am I foolish for thinking this is the most important time in my life? Right now. This moment. This is it, right? What we do now determines the direction of our lives for years to come. I mean who said you need to be graduating the 8th grade, high school, or college to be at a crossroads?
Isn’t every moment significant? Am I naive in my thinking? Did I watch the Butterfly Effect one too many times? Doesn’t it all count? Life matters right? Your daily habits and actions put you somewhere! Ideally that “somewhere” is where you want to go, right?
I can’t be the only one who finds the daily happenings of life to be so profound , can I? You’re with me, right? You understand where I’m going with this, que no?
I mean, sure moving to Chile or Columbia or Madrid is a huge undertaking, but you didn’t just come up with the idea and decide to leave did you? How did you get there? Did you not spend hours researching what countries would be the most lesbian-friendly? Did you not have dinners with friends of friends digging and researching the intricacies of living in a foreign country? What about that Oxford Seminars course you took? You worked for this! You put in time and effort and thought. Tank, the decision to move to South America (or Europe) is undoubtedly life-altering , but the decision to work for it was just as life-altering!
It all is Tank!Every decision counts! I’m reminded of ol’ Harry putting on the Sorting Hat in the “Chamber of Secrets.” In all his wisdom, Dumbledore attempts to explain to Harry why the hat did what it did, saying something to the effect of, “Our choices make us who we are.”
Tank, make every decision count. Own your decisions. Own your failures and fuck-ups. Own your heart break and sexual conquests. Own your follies and ingenuity. The decisions you made have led you there. And where else would you rather be than the place you decided?
Do you remember that day when I was so heartbroken over _________ (Don't tell Gina I was messing with someone else, please?)? You couldn’t tell me nothing about perspective! I was devastated! I was hurt and moping around like a 3-year-old that lost a balloon. Cool as she was, you (and me both) knew I’d get over it. And though a part of me still kind of wonders, I can look at that gloomy day when I acted so morosely and smile with a knowing sense of approval. I needed to feel that heartbreak . I probably knew it then, but I feel it now: perspective. __________ was the first girl I had feelings for since Gina (Please don't tell her!). Tank, I can feel!
I can long for and pine for. I can disappoint myself and bounce back. I can bounce back.
I can always bounce back.
Isn’t that important to discover and rediscover?
Make things matter Tank. From the heartbreak to the follies.
Love HARD. If the worst case scenario happens, let it.
You saw it coming anyway.
It’s like I said Tank, you and I are in some interesting times in our lives. Never trivialize. Find balance, but fuck moderation. Do it "con gusto' or don’t.
If you quit your job, say goodbye on your own terms.
If you get a new girlfriend, make her remember you.
If you find a new job or career, dive in head first.
Your decisions matter. And even if you don’t understand where you are now, carry on.